So...maybe I'm feeling rather jealous, I mean...REALLY, REALLY jealous.  Why am I jealous? I want to belong somewhere, and yet, I thought I found my place... But the truth really hurts, dang it.  I'm still alone.  I will spend every holiday, every epic event alone for as long I live, pretty much, because every girl-friend I seem to make has her own boyfriend whom she want to spend all of those special moments with. And it really....sucks.

What's up?

I'm tired... I really wanted to do something different this year, with someone. A girl-friend.

But I can't.

I can never seem to make the perfect girl-friend: a friend who's a GIRL, who's SINGLE, who's AWESOME, who's totally got things in COMMON with me, who's my OTHER HALF... Someone I can pretty talk to about anything.... Someone whose parents won't mind if I "borrow" her for night as I want us to go see a movie of Jackie Chan and such.

My best friend.

I want to go trick-or-treat this year...with a friend, dressed up in costumes.

Sure, for many of you guys, Halloween may be just for little kids, but hey, enjoy your youth :P You, of course, don't want to wake up one day when you hit 40 and think, "OMG... What have I done in my youth?" and then dress up as Barbie, strutting around in the streets and trick-or-treating as an UTTERLY, complete....pedophile :P

So, yeah, there's this Hmong Fresno-hosted Halloween All-Age Party going on in downtown, and I know that everyone's going to be there...all of the high school students, the college students... As hypocritical as I may seem to be, saying that I really don't care about those kind of things, I want to go too.

But you see...the ball will never happen for Cinderella as long as she chooses to remain to be seen in rags.

If I go buy a costume right now (the party is going on as I speak), the whole family's going to throw a TOTAL fit because my other siblings will complain, they'll be JEALOUS and demand that I should go buy them all costumes...which, of course, I can't because of money problems... If I were to tell them I want to go, they might laugh...mainly because they know I don't have a lot of girl-friends I'm comfortable enough to say, "Hey! Let's go to the Halloween party together!" and dance my night away...

I feel like a complete loser, pretty much.

Maybe it's because I just want people to notice...that dreaya's right there; instead, of being the same, old "invisible" dreaya.

I feel left out.

Every year...is the same, old thing.  Every year ends...with the same, old feeling, that feeling of horrible regrets because I can't do the things I want to do with someone I want to be with.  Every year...I want something different to happen; every year ends with the same, old bitter disappointment that always manages to seep through my blood and lies deep into my heart.  Every year, I want to be with a friend to enjoy all those little moments.  And she must be boyfriend-free.

Why boyfriend-free?

If you've ever noticed, all of my non-single friends (which are almost ALL) much rather prefer being with their man than me; that burdens me, that burdens all events that I want us to do together, that puts forth a distance between us all.

Every year...is the same, old thing.

Every year, I'm filled with the same, old jealousy.

Every year...that is all I want for me.

A friend to do all those things.



.....dreaya

P.S. And why is it...that I feel so alone? Vicki, my new friend, is awesome; she's everything...but she's going to graduate soon and she has a boyfriend. Who am I left with, then? Dot has a boyfriend too, and what I have noticed is that she's always talking about guys to me.  Those two are the only girls I can turn to in real, physical life.


There was probably a time they once felt like crap, a time they really felt like sh%t, a time they really felt like this.






1. "Saihate" - unknown (original: Hatsune Miku)
2. "Love Your Life" - Hatsune Miku