...OMG~! I can't stop thinking about it. JJ was online today on Skype...and yeah, whenever I talk to him, I'm really happy; yet, at the same time...I can't help but think about...Shayne too, you know? Yah, yah, yah~! I know I said I didn't think I liked the two of them as much as I thought I had...but here's the thing: I can imagine JJ and me being a couple than me and Shayne, you know? I wonder why...

Other than that, I can't stop...wondering. My heart~! It's being soo stupid with me! For the past three days, I've been thinking about JJ D:

...But in the end, Friend, both of these imageries aren't every very realistic to me.

I have this hollow feeling, Friend. A very hollow, empty feeling. It's so, so horrible, you know? That feeling...so persistent, so BOLD!, so dear...so strong... I only get that one feeling...whenever I think about Yu Da, you know? I don't really think of Yu Da anymore...but still, he was the one pain! The one I really did possibly more than...like, the one I really did treasure so dear! But...yeah.

...Still, I cradle my heart so closely...so with guard...cautious of those around me.

...How I hate it when things come to ends like this.

I can't help, you know? But laugh at every time a boy would come to me and tell me that he "loves"! Love myself? Love dreaya? Ha~! Don't be so foolish, dear. I don't want to hear it. I don't.

Just like how Yu Da was with me, I now know that feeling! That bitter, wounded feeling that causes you to lose all faith in the opposite sex~! I'm so horrible...for being so hollow.

Yet, I'm not going to be like Yu Da. I don't want to hurt people.

I'm not going to lead them on. I'll never want to use people for my own selfish gains like Yu Da. I don't wanna see how far I can go, how much I can "break" people by flinging their feelings aside all over whenever, where-ever I want to see it go.

But then again, I've already flung around the feelings of Jinnie.

...I hope Jinnie will just move on.

I know he hasn't. He's a terrible liar.

...Sometimes, I wish...I never met Jinnie and them.

A horrible wonder.

A tragic thought.

...I can just see how sincere JJ can be with me at times; other times, I can't and when that does come, I always try to brush JJ aside because well...I just like to be careful with myself too. Is JJ being sincere? Is he being honest? I do not know. Do you know? That feeling? You can't say you "know" a person who's on the other side of your world, the other side of that computer screen...when you have never faced him, seen him, know-KNOW him... How foolish... Oh, who is? Who's foolish, you say? Do you know what I mean by that? Do you KNOW who's foolish? What does it mean to be one, what it means to not be foolish? We don't know, do we? You don't, and I don't. It can be the two of us: me and JJ. Or JJ and me. Whatever way you prefer it to be; I'd say both~! Both that will bring us BOTH to equal scale, an even ground, an even meeting. Fair game, right...?

...Am I being sincere?

...Sometimes, I feel as though I'm not.

It's weird.

When...he's not there, I don't think of him very often. But if one were to SAY his name, TELL me that he's online...I'd immediately want to speak to him.

I guess I can say that what I like the most about JJ is that he makes me feel like I'm the "only one" there for him, like I'm "special" or something, makes me feel "lucky." I know I've ranted on him before but not only is he smart and polite, he's also very easy-going and laid-back; talented (musically); witty; caring; "affectionate"? Dorky, cheerful, calm, and well...just awesome to talk to.

But then...there's Shayne, and whenever I just get to FB, I always wanna go look at his page...and just stay there or just...I don't know...sit and wonder when I'll ever get to see him again since I haven't seen him since that Saturday...and since he doesn't even go to our university (nevertheless, hasn't even started because he's so used to being home-schooled). I always end up thinking...that Shayne is just so attractive even though he's not all that ( though he's been asked by many modeling agencies to model for them...) Ugh~! What is it? What is this feeling?

What I like the most about Shayne is that he makes me feel like I don't have to BE "smart" just as a lot of people have perceived me to be, he makes me feel relaxed; he's very laid-back, easy-going, cheerful; very thoughtful or insightful; considerate; caring; interesting; and just...I don't know...the kind of guy who can make me feel like I can do anything. He's free-spirited in a way...and he's not afraid of being who he is; he's very friendly to strangers, have no problem making friends within minutes...and very kind.

...I guess one of the possible reasons why I find Shayne more attractive than JJ is because...Shayne is closer to me, I get to see him more and get to know him more...while JJ and I are an ocean apart. It makes more sense that way, because...well...for me, it's important--distance is important; being able to see that Someone is an essential for me to keep that bond, that relationship.

...I probably can't deny it anymore, you know? I really do...like Shayne, but I also like JJ. Only time can tell, I guess.

...So hollow... So hollow.



-dreaya