♥ My Complicated Life

♥ Saturday, October 30, 2010

My Complicate Life ♥

So...maybe I'm feeling rather jealous, I mean...REALLY, REALLY jealous. Why am I jealous? I want to belong somewhere, and yet, I thought I found my place... But the truth really hurts, dang it. I'm still alone. I will spend every holiday, every epic event alone for as long I live, pretty much, because every girl-friend I seem to make has her own boyfriend whom she want to spend all of those special moments with. And it really....sucks.

What's up?

I'm tired... I really wanted to do something different this year, with someone. A girl-friend.

But I can't.

I can never seem to make the perfect girl-friend: a friend who's a GIRL, who's SINGLE, who's AWESOME, who's totally got things in COMMON with me, who's my OTHER HALF... Someone I can pretty talk to about anything.... Someone whose parents won't mind if I "borrow" her for night as I want us to go see a movie of Jackie Chan and such.

My best friend.

I want to go trick-or-treat this year...with a friend, dressed up in costumes.

Sure, for many of you guys, Halloween may be just for little kids, but hey, enjoy your youth :P You, of course, don't want to wake up one day when you hit 40 and think, "OMG... What have I done in my youth?" and then dress up as Barbie, strutting around in the streets and trick-or-treating as an UTTERLY, complete....pedophile :P

So, yeah, there's this Hmong Fresno-hosted Halloween All-Age Party going on in downtown, and I know that everyone's going to be there...all of the high school students, the college students... As hypocritical as I may seem to be, saying that I really don't care about those kind of things, I want to go too.

But you see...the ball will never happen for Cinderella as long as she chooses to remain to be seen in rags.

If I go buy a costume right now (the party is going on as I speak), the whole family's going to throw a TOTAL fit because my other siblings will complain, they'll be JEALOUS and demand that I should go buy them all costumes...which, of course, I can't because of money problems... If I were to tell them I want to go, they might laugh...mainly because they know I don't have a lot of girl-friends I'm comfortable enough to say, "Hey! Let's go to the Halloween party together!" and dance my night away...

I feel like a complete loser, pretty much.

Maybe it's because I just want people to notice...that dreaya's right there; instead, of being the same, old "invisible" dreaya.

I feel left out.

Every year...is the same, old thing. Every year ends...with the same, old feeling, that feeling of horrible regrets because I can't do the things I want to do with someone I want to be with. Every year...I want something different to happen; every year ends with the same, old bitter disappointment that always manages to seep through my blood and lies deep into my heart. Every year, I want to be with a friend to enjoy all those little moments. And she must be boyfriend-free.

Why boyfriend-free?

If you've ever noticed, all of my non-single friends (which are almost ALL) much rather prefer being with their man than me; that burdens me, that burdens all events that I want us to do together, that puts forth a distance between us all.

Every year...is the same, old thing.

Every year, I'm filled with the same, old jealousy.

Every year...that is all I want for me.

A friend to do all those things.

.....dreaya

P.S. And why is it...that I feel so alone? Vicki, my new friend, is awesome; she's everything...but she's going to graduate soon and she has a boyfriend. Who am I left with, then? Dot has a boyfriend too, and what I have noticed is that she's always talking about guys to me. Those two are the only girls I can turn to in real, physical life.

No wonder people turn to relationships to solve this problem.

There was probably a time they once felt like crap, a time they really felt like sh%t, a time they really felt like this.

1. "Saihate" - unknown (original: Hatsune Miku)
2. "Love Your Life" - Hatsune Miku

♥ My World My Life

10:14 PM

♥ Thursday, October 28, 2010

My Complicate Life ♥

Oh geez... I really don't know why but besides the fact that I've been getting high marks in Biology lately and sliding my way through college life (finally!), I really--really--really--don't care about most of the high school seniors anymore (except Kenny and a few other cool seniors from there).

Cruel to say; yet, they've been getting on my nerves.

I mean, those high school guys gossip faster than the whole world knowing the name of Taylor Swift's new guy :P

Which is pretty sad, by the way.

Call me heartless too, but I really didn't care about Jinnie's feelings anymore because I broke his heart (again) last night, and so, if you have seen a pretty gloomy, crabby guy around that campus, you would've guessed that I have said a "few" words that were a bit too blunt. Actually, I was pretty BLUNT. I mean, there were so many people (about 4) who heard my dilemma with him and them telling me to be HONEST and tell him how I felt about the whole thing, so I just decided to let it all out last night and killed his mood.

Pretty much.

I didn't even TRY to be all soft and sugar-y with the kid, because: 1) dreaya will feel even more guilty 2) being nice will cause him to take ADVANTAGE of dreaya's nice-ness because he'll keep thinking that he has a chance when he OBVIOUSLY does not. 3) I really don't CARE anymore.

I don't care because he KNEW I don't like him; yet, he's got every dang high school friend of his fantasizing that we were a freaking couple when we're not. No one ever ASKED me how I felt about this, no one asked how I felt about HIM. No one. Not even Yun Hee. Not even P. Pan. NO ONE.

So, why should I give a crap about people's feelings when they're always listening to ONE side of the story and being so immature and stupid?

I know....pissed-off dreaya.

And yes, maybe dreaya doesn't care anymore, because dreaya's been too nice for too long and been keeping too quiet for TOO long...that even the YOUNGER kids are beginning to take advantage of that.

I've been enduring this kind of treatment, the act of people taking advantage of me, for the past TEN to FOURTEEN years. People are just about to make a villain out of me as I speak =____="

I don't care anymore.

-dreaya

♥ My World My Life

2:43 PM

♥ Saturday, October 23, 2010

My Complicate Life ♥

This past week in college was Hell :) MY GOSH, there was so MUCH stress! I had two 5-paged papers due on Thursday and Friday, one for Biology's lab section--the other being English. In addition, there were two mid-term exams for BOTH Thursday and Friday (because of Bio, I only had 3 hours of sleep the night before the midterms). Geez, I know I NAILED the lab section GOOD ;D My study partners and I literally recited and competed with one another with my home-made flashcards and comparing our lab notes, answers, and results from the lab manuals (COST us about 20 bucks there, hun) :P I don't know if it's just me, but I guess I'm the "motivator" and person who tries to keep them on task whenever we go wayyyy OFF TOPIC... =____="

Anyway, I PASSED the Bio mid-terms XD WHOOT, WHOOT! Lol. I'm so happy XD I guess Bio isn't so impossible, after all? My gosh, I want to know whether or NOT I've ACED the lab section :( I need that A!

Other good news: I got my American History mid-term exam results back from yesterday :) Oh gosh, I got an A! But damn it! DAMN IT ALL! I had a 97 before, but the results was a 93! TT___TT Hey, I still got an A, I guess =_____=" Damn it...

I need an A in University-1 (Introduction to the college life for First Generations) =___=" Lately, I think Mr. G. has been pretty chilled toward me. That's good XD He was always scary towards me.

Okay, the WHOLE point is that...I need a 4.0. I mean, if I want to get into pharmacy school, the minimum is around a 3.6 and higher. But now that I know I GOT Bio, hopefully--things will change :)

Well, besides all the academic progresses and such, Thursday--I kinda ran into Ari, Yun-Hee's older sister. It was surprising because I didn't really expect her in the Lower Level of the campus library nor did I ever think she would be simply writing (or yeah, that was what I was told by her). Before I knew it, we were just hanging out at the Food Court. It was weird... Ari had the friends I had ALWAYS wanted, but it seems like she wasn't what I thought I was? Ari's nice, BEAUTIFUL, and awesome to talk to; however, I guess everyone should know that certain air that tells you that...well, you two are just too different?

Kind of weird.

She was hungry and wanted to eat. Even after ordering a small fruit parfait and a small tray of sushi, she was still hungry.

I asked her why she didn't order something bigger (I had Chinese food in mind *drools*), but I don't know. I guess girls are pretty confusing (I'm a girl too) o___O

Oh yeah.... I went to library to study but really, I was just DITCHING History in the NAME of Science, Biology--> I ditched History to go study for Friday's Bio mi-terms, WHICH scored me a B :P

No, this isn't the first time I've ditched History. Lol.

Friday--yesterday--after we turned in our English paper to the teacher, we were all free to go, pretty much. Seeing this as a natural "dilemma" (because I didn't feel like studying after that morning Bio mid-term), I decided to go hang out with a few of my classmates (who are ALSO my classmates from History). I swear, I really did have fun with them :) At lunch, even, we talked for over an hour. Lol.

-dreaya :)

♥ My World My Life

10:03 AM

♥ Monday, October 18, 2010

My Complicate Life ♥

Today was such an awesome day, Friend :) I've never been this much happy for such a long while! I have friends to talk to and laugh with at the university; I can have lunch with an awesome friend whom I share many interests with; I'm studying with the most chill-ful people of Biology class; the weather's getting cooler! I'm joining clubs (I've been told to attend a club meeting tomorrow; they host fundraising for trips ACROSS the country! WHOOT!) and I'm loving life :)

Ah gosh, I never knew Viki* was sooo fun to talk to! Not only that, she laughs so easily, and gosh, if you ever get to know dreaya, dreaya can laugh just as easily as well! In fact, I haven't laughed like this for such a while! In fact, I haven't laughed like this for almost a year, to be honest. High school never really brought much laughter upon me. Man, I feel like...like...I finally belong somewhere in this world after so much suffering, crying, and pain.

But geez, do you know what'll make this even better?

IF shawty and them two are here, my life will be complete.

IF J.J. and shawty and them two are here, everything will be such a lovely heaven...a dream. A complete dream I wish to sleep through over and over again.

I love you, life. Thanks for everything.

I am forever in your debt.

-dreaya :)

♥ My World My Life

10:44 PM

♥ Sunday, October 17, 2010

My Complicate Life ♥

Don't ask why...I'm POSTING again for the THIRD time in one day :( I need to get it all out of my system! Gosh, I can't stop thinking!! >__< My gosh, I think I'm going crazy because when I was trying to study, there was just this Bruno Mars song stuck in my head and I just HAD to go listen to it again and again and again...!! And I kept thinking...thinking about J.J.

I DID study for 2 and a half hours though...

Sometimes...when I think about things such as this, I lose all rationality. It's like you had everything set up for a scientific experiment and just when the results were coming in, a person barged into your lab and demanded that you should show up and prevent a lovely couple from breaking up. I know, BAD comparison, but you get it. You switch from being TOTALLY rational to TOTALLY irrational, something that has got nothing to do with your focus in the first place.

But it's weird. For those past two, three hours...I thought about all the girls who I knew were dating guys who were miles and miles apart. They were in love, and here I am, being told by younger girls that LD wouldn't work.

My gosh, I'm crazy.

And today, guess what? I just remembered something. Maybe the reason I liked Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You are" reminds me of him? Oh, and I guess I didn't mention this part to you, shawtyyy :) Johnny can sing. Lol. Did you know that? He once told me a couple times that he actually won a trophy for it somewhere between middle school or high school; he even had to perform one time...I think...at the university. He had it recorded but he didn't know how to send it me over the net.

No Youtube there, remember?

Well, that's all for my late-night ranting :)

-dreaya

...........................................................................................................

Cover of Bruno Mars' "Just the Way You Are" - Alex Thao :)
If you've noticed, he's actually lip-syncing to his own pre-recorded voice*
Still, great voice ;D

♥ My World My Life

11:17 PM

♥

My Complicate Life ♥

Am I supposed to be disappointed?? Idk. I asked myself this morning whether or not I would care if all of a sudden, J.J. tells me that he's going off to get married or got himself hooked up with some pretty chick. Honestly, I've come to finally realized that although it wouldn't really make me sad or anything (makes me doubt NOW...if I really did like him as much as I thought I did), all it matters is that J.J. would keep talking to me. Though... I also thought that our relationship WOULD change if either of us would get married or get a really successful job career on the way... Don't ask me why I'm thinking about these kind of things all of a sudden. Because I don't really know it myself too.

Then, yeah, I even wondered about a whole bunch of random things. You can BET that...

But of course, I would totally cry my eyes out if one day, he were to tell me that he can't talk to me anymore or end the whole friendship.

Then again...if shawty or hobo or jojo and them were to tell me that same stuff, I would bawl my eyes out too...

Love is a really confusing thing, you know... I don't even understand my own feelings anymore, to be more honest. Not only is this, I was completely irritated with myself because I thought I knew myself better than anyone else.

But...there was shawty =___=" She obviously knew all the right OPENED spots or spaces I would leave out in any PLAN, any THOUGHT, any.... AUGH! Lol. shawty, honey, I still love you though :) Lol. Your words of wisdom are essential for my daily survival =___=" I AM a complete flowerpot without you. You are the soil for my pot. LOL.

ANYWAYSSS....the whole point of this blogging post today is that I don't know I really feel about this guy anymore. In fact, I think I'm probably the most stupidest girl alive because I've asked people if a LD relationship would definitely work out for me. Lol. Stupid dreaya... I know I'm not supposed to listen to people on what they say because you would NEVER know... Love is unpredictable, Friend.

But they're more experienced on me. I just wanted a "heads-up." And even when J.J. said he never thought of me that way, I couldn't help but wonder...

Remember? I told you all before on the other blog...that those kind of decisions--I leave it all to the guy.

Because I guess sometimes...I just love too much, and when that happens, it ends really badly for me.

And that brings in a LOT of pain.

Never mind all that for now, though. How was your morning, people?

It was the weirdest thing...today. Lol. I mean, my morning was probably among the coldest, windiest, and gloomiest mornings of all those past three months combined...and my face was smiling as the summer sun. Why? I kept thinking about stupid J.J. Why? I don't know why! It's sort of embarrassing to always daze off about a guy, you know (GOSH, I'm acting as if I've never felt this way before...).

Well, when I was crazy about Yu Da, I didn't smile THIS much...because Yu Da was Yu Da. Yu Da...was always so...gloomy and bitter about everything.

But this guy... He's different.

shawty kept saying that the way I talked, the way I act...is so different from any other guy I've talked or acted around... I don't really get it, even though...I kind of know what she means by that? I smile a LOT when I talk to him online; he's nice, funny, considerate, generous, caring, SMART (he went to one of the top private Australian universities), mature, long-tempered, DORKY, everything! When I want to talk, he would sit and listen... It's not like the other guys when they don't really want to hear anything at all (and those who do, gets really, REALLY emotional about it).

...gosh, I'm running out of time AND brain cells :(

Can't believe shawty is making me THINK for once XD Lol. I'm so confused, I can't even explain to her what I WANT to hear what is worthy of being explained TT__TT

The world is a mystery.

But we, ourselves, remain a bigger mystery than ever.

Because there's hate...and there's love.

-dreaya

♥ My World My Life

6:16 PM

♥

My Complicate Life ♥

.................................................................

My friends...I think I might've found someone who could finally make me happy. But we're so far away. An ocean apart where no hands can ever touch... A sad, wistful meaning as you can see. A naivety crying out towards me alone. Yet, I wonder...if He thinks as much of me as I do of him. I wonder...when He's taking his break from work...if he ever stops to think about what I may have been doing during those last moments?

We would never know...what truly lies deeply in our hearts.

...We'll always be friends. That's what I'd like to believe for now.

In terms of reality, I think that would be true.

We're an ocean apart where no hands can ever touch.

But...even if our fingers are unable to be presses against one another's...who says we should just be away from one another, physically?

We can dream. We can see...through mental, thoughtful connections.

Or maybe that's just me. That's just what I also want to believe.

-dreaya

♥ My World My Life

1:58 AM