♥ My Complicated Life

♥ Wednesday, March 30, 2011

My Complicate Life ♥

I know~ It's been forever since I've updated this blog, and yet...there are just so many things I want to tell you all, and I can't. Instead, I guess I'll just list them all for you read:

1. I met an awesome group of friends, all thanks to a new friend, Hiro*. It was from there that my whole life has completely JUMPED from being totally boring into totally being...just AWESOME~! XD If it weren't for the FUN JAM (Hai, I gave my group a NAME)~ I wouldn't be so glad to be alive now... (Not that I was intending suicide or anything in the future.) I just felt so blessed, and I'm so grateful for everything they've done for me so far... I love them all very much.

2. I decided to come from being a Bio major into an Art major~! Why? Why the sudden change? You can only guess... The JSA (Japanese Student Association) Club trip to San Jose was only so awesome...that it made me realize after a lot of thinking through the drive...that I just don't want to be a Bio student anymore. I wasn't happy~! And now, I am. Very much.

3. There has been a few dramatic problems going on here and there, recently. Hopefully, everything is patched up!! Haku-san*, you can't always stay mad at Hiro-kun's younger twin brother--the cross-dressing Gakupo*~!! Rahhh! No more rahh-rahh! =__= You two...*sighs* misunderstand each other wayyy~ too much! And QUIT saying that Gakupo will like me! Because the only one I'll ever like...is Hiro-kun.

4. Hiro-kun was webcamming with his kawaii girlfriend in the Food Court yesterday while I was just relaxing with Haku-san. I know. He has a girlfriend...and it gives me all the reason to keep a distance from him... It doesn't matter how many times a girl can tell me that there is a "connection" between me and him because as long as he has a girlfriend, then there IS no connection... Because he has a girlfriend. He likes her, and that's why she IS his girlfriend... Ugh... So...frustrating.

5. Haku-san tells me that I'm too "closed-up." shawty tells me that it's not fair for me to "shut him out." But it's FAIR~! Because...it's better for me to not hurt than to hurt at all.

6. Baka Yano-kun*~! As good-looking and...cool-acting he is, he's WAYY conceited! =___= Gahhh~! I can't believe...he still sits by me in math =___= Ladies' Man, you better watch out for Haku-san --> tomboy.

7. Haku-san...was KH (Kingdom Hearts)'s "Riku" on Monday... Riku has "green eyes." She had BLUE eyes... Ah wells~! She just looked SOO sugoi that day XD

8. I need to study for midterms soon... :/

9. I still worry... I still can't believe that the Twins ride their bikes to and from school, 2 hours a day--they came home last night at around 11-ish pm =___= They began their trip at around 7-ish pm. My gosh...

10. Haku-san and I stayed up hella late last night, talking to one another on the phone. Yup, girl talkssss~

11. I'm beginning to think...whether or not I should start a PUBLIC blog...than just a PRIVATE blog... Maybe I should...

Truly yours,

dreaya

♥ My World My Life

8:11 AM

♥ Sunday, January 23, 2011

My Complicate Life ♥

I didn't do a whole lot during the long winter break, and although it's wayyy late to update you guys about this, I guess I should just get it all out of my system because I have always wanted to blog about this~! Lol~ There's nothing really that happened to me; Timmy just up and went home after the New Years ended. I was sort of disappointed because I was pretty lonely throughout the entire break (a month's worth). I hardly had anyone to talk to, and when I do, it's not really someone I'm so excited to meet. But that's what family is for. They're there for you, no matter what. So, I mainly talked to my brother, Tsukasa.

But it really didn't occur to me until this.

There are certain lines that my brother doesn't really want to cross, especially when it comes down to his friends.

I'm okay with his friends; just that they can be really annoying and stupid at times =___=" For Gosh sake...P.Pan and Jinnie are part of his circus caravan too.

And I really have no comment on Jinnie's stalk-ish, eerily creepy ways before and during Break:

1. Pressuring me to call him up (like we're going out; but psh~! That really freaked me out because he was being very DESPERATE!)

2. Texting me non-stop EVEN when I was vigorously studying for college Finals =__=" (It was sooo annoying, I began ignoring him).

3. He snuck into my house in the middle of the night o___o

YUP... That freaking guy snuck into my house in the middle of the freaking night...scaring the LIVING HELL out of me~! Guess who let him in? Yahh... MY STUPID BROTHER! I mean, gosh...my own brother actually gave the guy permission to sneak into the house =___=" I closed the door on him and went to sleep.

Of course, not until after staring at my bedroom door, cursing that if he even thinks of OPENING that freaking door...I was going to kick the living SOUL out of him :P Ah gosh...

Heard his phone broke.... One word for you: GOOD~! Thank God. Maybe he forgot my number (and maybe not).

Maybe it's Karma.

For freaking a girl out.

I'm scarred already. Don't need to scar me any more =___=

Anyways....~!

Three dramas~!

Yeah, I couldn't believe it also~! dreaya actually had time to watch movies during the longggg Break, because she could actually sit down and NOT study XD

I passed Biology with an 85 =__=" Depressing--but hey, it's better than not passing at all (depressing, because I actually wanted at least a 90... Off by 5 points!).

Anyways XD Three dramas! I watched and finished 3 dang dramas :3 1) Akai Ito (Japanese) 2) The Great Inheritance (Korean) 3) Hi My Sweetheart (Taiwanese) I guess since I don't really have time to elaborate on them now or to even summarize them...I'll tell you guys all about it another time (and hopefully, soon~!). But hey, if you wanna watch them, look them up on Youtube, I guess O__O

New Year Resolution~!

Again...late but hey, at least I'm telling you mine :3

1. Get AWESOME grades :D (How Asian is that?)

2. Lose weight (wahhh~! Why, dreaya? Why? -- I need to slim down more :P)

3. Get a new haircut :D (Whyyy~? My hair's getting too long and plain :P BORING~!)

....so, yahhh~

And what to know something?

It's weird...but I thought a lot over the Break since I didn't have a whole lot of people to talk to, you know? If you get that you know what I'm talking about, then, I guess we're good :3 But really :O It's just that I had no one really to talk to at times, so it's that feeling you get when you're lonely--that causes you to think about things that's already happened and how hurtful they were and since the new year was already happening, of course--you're going to think about what has happened in the year of 2010...and all the things that's hurt you or all the bad things/events that you wished that's never happened...you know? That gives you motivation, an inspiration sorta...to make your life a better life...and well, to make it a less painful year.

I thought about Yu Da and how much He hurt me. Although it doesn't really hurt as much as it used to, it's still a huge impact on me and my life, the way I now view things.

1. Never will I so boldly work hard to earn another's love or feelings of affection again.

-Why? I mean, if He doesn't appreciate you for who you are deep inside or grateful in the least sense...then, let me tell you something: "Forget him." Forget? Yes, forget. Not "forget" like how you should erase him entirely from your memories. He still lives there, but learn something from the experience and move on. Don't dwell too long on him. I swore that I'll never do that again for sure.

2. Say "no" once in a while, and say it as FIRMLY as possible.

-Sure, it takes guts to say that one SIMPLE word. And believe me, if you don't learn how to stand up for yourself, you're going to be taken advantage of by other selfish-butt-licking people :P You're going to be used and tossed away, you're going to be tricked and betrayed, you're going to be...HURT. And it's not worth it. You should know it, and I know it. Because being betrayed by your friend or someone you care for...can hurt like HELL.

3. If you're not accepted by others for who you are, then ~~SCREW IT.~~

-I swear...as a kid growing up, it's not easy being discriminated by even your own people, your own peers; because you're not wearing make-up, because you're not wearing designer brands, because you don't drink, because you don't party... I've been pretty much standing out because I just don't think like them =__=" Not to be bragging, but I guess it's because I was just too "smart" for them because sometimes, they complain that I use "big" words, that I'm "too good", that I'm just simply "too smart", really. *sighs* I only came to realize that I should give up, trying to be friends with everyone. If they don't accept you, talk to you, just because you're "different", then SCREW IT :P You're better than them anyways, if they can't accept you for something like that =___="

Now...here you go~! :D BE A BETTER YOU~! AND MAKE THIS A BETTER YEAR XD

-dreaya

♥ My World My Life

4:08 PM

♥ Saturday, December 18, 2010

My Complicate Life ♥

Well, lately, the sun's been being a butt and since He's always working hardcore 24/7, guess He's taking a 3-month pay of leave D: Stupid sun =___=" *sigh* I've been overwhelmingly depressed and tired because He hasn't been around lately... Anyways, I wanna sleep but I'm stuck at my aunt's house for a religious ceremony D: Horrible~! I tell you.

Anyway, FL cousin Timmy* has landed last night, and well, he's gonna be staying with the family for...Idk...throughout the entire 3 weeks of his Winter Break until he has to go back for school (college). He's actually the same age as me, a month younger though --> Doesn't seem to make much of a difference especially when he's towering over your tiny height 24/7 :I Hmph~! Gawsherss....

I'm pretty much ignoring Jinnie's texts 75/50 times.

I only answer back when I feel like it's "safe" to do so :I

So, yeah, took Timmy and Tsukasa to the mall (by busss~) and showed Timmy around (a little since the dang library closed on the weekends~didn't know that until today =___=) on the university campus as well.

Even took them guys out to eat :O

I found out I'm "broke."

On the other hand, I'm not all that "broke" because I was the one who decided to stash away the rest of her financial aid away for graduate school *sigh* Thus, the depression over money beginssss...

Tried to look for a jacket (xmas present) today at the mall AGAIN... Not much luck, considering that all of the jackets there are too long, too large. or too short...

Tried looking for a present for Timmy's older sister, my cousin Lily*. Unfortunately, after much thought and seeking...I came up with nothing as well :( Idk... I also thought it probably wasn't worth my efforts because she hasn't really kept touch with me either... So...

JJ has been texting back lately... Idk... I'm really happy that he's keeping touch with me again (although he had always been doing that, just that he's a very busy person, and I totally understand that~!)...but you know... Sometimes, I wish JJ was here, so we can hang out and stuffs.

Then, there's Shayne...

But you know....when I think about Shayne, it hurts though. Because the other day, Shayne told me he liked this one girl in Dinu*...over on FB. Yahh...you can only bet that I was pretty much heart-broken and cried.

Then, again...I really don't like thinking about those kind of stuffs.

.....=___= I think Nick likes me.

I hate it when Aries is right, and I'm wrong.

Gawshers...

-dreaya

P.S. Still... I've been thinking a lot. I wish JJ was here.

♥ My World My Life

6:58 PM

♥ Thursday, December 9, 2010

My Complicate Life ♥

So...now Aries know about it too :O DANG IT =___=" People, how the hell do you find outttttt~? Goshersssss.... Now both Chris and Aries know who I like.... =____=" *sigh* Life is life. It's not fair either way. Geez, and you know what? All is left is the clueless, neglectful ("neglectful" because he rarely hangs around us three anymore...but still, he makes a part of our 'wonderful' teammmm~) Andrew :I No way he's gonna figure it out also...unless he's been watching...which I know he hasn't or even tried to :I

Anyways, as girls always do when they find out about each others' crushes (Aries is taken by her British boyfriend...whom Chris and I met a few weeks back, the week before Thanksgiving break), Aries was being ultra-thrilled and congratulated me :I ....Great.

"HOW?" I asked her. "How did you know?" --> on FB.

Aries: "I just kinda had a feeling you did...by your body language." O__O

Me: O___O "Body languageee?" So, I asked her how in that area as well :I

Her: "Well...you're always turned to him and always laugh at everything he says."

O___O "...but I always laugh at everything Chris says toooo~..."

Aries: "But...yeah, you DO kinda...also... Still...."

Me: *sigh* Dang my FACEEEE and body language...

...I don't know. You know...that one night when my brother and I went out to see the Harry Potter movie with Chris and his friend, Gary* (a cousin of Shayne's)...Mom had the weirdest thought. So, the next morning when I came back from the university, she and I had this..."guy" talk. Guess she thought Chris liked me or something, but I'm sure nothing like that is happening :I Still...she told me that she only wanted me to stick within my ethnicity group; I can't even date any other Asians out there.

I asked her, "What if we want to date a Chinese, a...?"

Of course, Mom went very...uhh...well...passionate about dating only those within our own ethnicity, and that is Hmong, and only Hmong....which is Asian....but Mom doesn't want me to date Chinese...etc. You get it? Overall, she was really serious....and angry...kinda...and just plain SERIOUS~ :I

And that was that. After I told her that Chris and I are just friends :I

And that she shouldn't think weird....or think anything weird beyonnnnnd my imagination =____="

Anyways...I know. I shouldn't listen or whatever....but what Mom said stuck in my mind for the past few days :O

So....yeah, Shayne saw it, and geez, he and I had a talk about it too.

Him: "...So, now what? Aren't you going to go out and explore? Don't date someone you don't like, and since you don't really like your own people as more than friends or even get along with them in a way...that's beyond that..."

Me: O__O "Well...."

Wanna know something? Yahh~ Shayne even asked me if I would date his own people after I rejected a bunch of others, not because I'm racist~ It's because I don't feel comfortable with them. But when he asked me, ME, about his people...if I would ever date his own people, I just went, "I guess."

Him: "What?"

It was like...he wanted me to say IT! So...I sorta did. I was a bit embarrassed even though our conversation was ONLINE =___=" I mean, what's there to be embarrassed about? Or was it "blushing"? Idk...

Sorta did as in---> "...I won't mind dating your people. My brother dated your people b4 sooo...."

Him: "You're saying it as if his ex was a creature! @__@

Me: "~!! Noooo~! I was just saying I won't mind dating your people!"

Him: "Lol~!"

To be honest...Shayne doesn't know how much it hurts sometimes...the things he do... Shayne's just being Shayne. He loves being himself. Who wouldn't love being themselves? Sometimes...he's so friendly toward other people, that he doesn't even know it's "flirting" =____=" This guyyyy....

So, yahh~ You can only imagine what I went through when I came across his page and this girl and him were flirting online (Yeah, every comment was posted publicly)....until he found out she was only 12 :I

LOL~!

The look on his face XD

It's because he loves being himself...and that he IS being himself...he makes me sad at the most ridiculous times ever. The things he say... Sometimes, he doesn't mean for it to happen, but sometimes what he says...can hurt, too, you know?

One time, I told him he should come visit us at the campus, and he said that he didn't always have to be there and I shouldn't always be so "eager" to see him.

It was just the way he said it...broke my heart.

Just before I went out to go see the Harry Potter movie, I invited him to come...and he turned it down after saying, "I don't know you well enough to actually let you pay for me because I'm broke. I really want to go, though. I was just getting ready XD but it's okay."

That too broke my heart.

And lately, I've been feeling like I've been losing touch with JJ because he's so busy, half the time he doesn't even bother to text back.

Sometimes...I even wonder if JJ ever thinks of me as well.

...It was only Jinnie who ever bothered to text me like 24/7 *sigh*~ You can bet I sort of regret giving him my number.

That kid can text on for hours and hours...

...Sometimes...when I'm alone at night...in my room, on my bed, with the lights turned on...I'd sit...and stare at the phone...and think of my heart. When I do, it hurts. It only makes me hold myself together even tighter...tighter than before. I hold myself, hug myself tightly and so hard...for the longest time...thinking...and trying to fill in the hole in my heart. Trying to put myself together.

...I got over Yu Da. But I can't get over the past completely. Especially Yun-Hee.

I don't know why. Yun-Hee irritates me completely, totally. When I think of the class of 20xx, I get so angry. I think of betrayal, their gossip, the looks they gave me, the way they talked to me, their ignorance, their turning backs...

...and it makes me think of Prom. They say...Prom's the night you'll never forget. I won't...because of the stories that are built around it, the incidents, the crying, the heart breaking, the betrayals, the darkness that continues to consume me, those looks, the coldest wind...

...Just break my heart. Just break it again and again. Crush it. Step on it. Push it away.

...It's already broken, anyways.

...Just break my heart.

...Will you ever be there when I need you?

...And if you are...will you abandon me?

...They will.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I always...feel like I want someone, like I want someone to be there physically for me to lean on, for me to hold onto...to turn to when I want to feel needed, to feel wanted. When I want to cry.

But isn't that the same with everyone else out there in the world?

Everyone wants someone too.

♥ My World My Life

9:33 PM